Date:	2009-10-24 21:57
Subject:	Adorableness
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful

Quinn talks in his sleep.  It's cute, and sometimes a little creepy. (Imagine tiny little voice saying "Mommy, ... Mommy..." in the middle of the night, and then going into their room finding them both asleep.  Creepy).

He's also having a hard time saying "y"'s, so if he offers you a "lucky" diaper, think twice.  I just love it when he calls JoJo Cookies "lummy."

He's really starting to get a mind of his own.  The other day, totally unprompted, he said "want zucchini bread", just like that.  Prior to that, the last time we had talked about it was probably a month before, and he called it kiwi bread.  He's even coming out with what are pretty much full sentences.  And if you've never heard a 23 month old say "semi-circle,"  or "one, two, nine, ten," you're really missing out.  He's just such a joy and such a good kid that I can't help but feel like we lucked out, even when he's excercising his toddler privledge to say "no" in answer to every question.  Especially if he nods his head while he says it. 

And Kai is really starting to notice the world around him.  He loves to look out the window and watch the leaves moving in the trees, just like his big brother did.  He adores the bath and will smile and splash like crazy when I turn on the sink sprayer to rinse him off.  I think he's recognizing songs... today when I started to sing "Ram Sam Sam" (from Music Together class) to him, his whole face brightened into a giant smile, and I was only on the first note!  He can get his hands into his mouth, and his toe into his mouth, and anything else he can manage to get into his hands into his mouth.  And he seems to look for me when he hears my voice if I'm not the one holding him, and he brightens when he sees my face.  That's just one of the greatest things in the world. 

I love my kids, and I think I really lucked out.  Even though it's really, really hard sometimes, and even though I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the beginning of June, I'm very happy to have the adorable little guys.

When your child is screaming inconsolably, every minute feels a little more like an eternity.  Kai screamed for a full hour tonight before I finally convinced him to go to sleep.  I couldn't calm him.  At one point, I was dangerously close to a tipping point and had to remove myself from the situation.  Baby went back into his bed, door slammed, and mom walked out the front door.  I really needed those deep breaths and that quiet night air.  I think I upset Quinn, though.  In fact, the whole situation was likely upsetting to him.  He handles Kai's crying well, "Baby Kai mad," but I'm not sure any of us could have handled tonight without getting upset.  I can't believe that Hobie slept through the whole thing.  Finally I went back into the room, shushed and bounced the poor exhausted baby with one hand while his poor big brother hugged me and I rubbed his back with the other hand. 

I think I have them both asleep now, but am sorely tempted to just call this night done, dinner, mess, and nearly-finished knitting project be damned.  Do you suppose I can take a mulligan?

Sometimes it feels like I just never manage to wind down.  I have to be on 24 hours a day.  How is it that even when I get a break, it's not a break?  I went out with my mom and sisters this weekend for what should have been a really nice afternoon, and spent the entire freaking tiime worrying that the baby would need to eat and that Hobie needed to sleep and feeling rushed the entire time.  When I'm home, I'm on duty.  When I'm not home, the giant grains of sand are so deafening as they fall through the hourglass that I can't get them out of my head enough to remember how to relax.  And I need to not even think about how this is way better than what's going to happen when Hobie goes out of town for two weeks in January. 

I keep meaning to post about all the wonderful little things that the kids do, so that when I'm old I will still be able to remember them (and probably reminisce about how I want them to be small again, right?!), but lately I seem to be using LJ as some small bit of therapy.  I'll get there, I suppose. 

A bajillion people have already asked me why we named our son Kai.  The question has come in various forms; often, 'how did you come up with that?' or 'what's it mean?' or even 'what's the derivation?'  The questions I don't mind.  I suppose people ask that about any baby names.  And it doesn't really bother me, except for the fact that they might not ask if the name was Matthew.  And because so often, the tone to the question says, "why'd you pick such an odd name?" or "weirdos."  Maybe I'm projecting an insecurity about the name that's not there.  Or maybe it is.  Truth is, the answer to the question is just a lot harder than the pat little explanation I think most people are looking for. 

So here's my answer.  I'm not sure if it'd be wooddealer 's answer, but it's mine.

• I like the sound of it. 
• A book told us that it's both scandanavian and hawaiian, so it's a little like a ski vacation and the beach, all rolled into one.
• Hobie's scandanavian, so that works.
• It's a character in a Hans Christian Anderson story, the Snow Queen.  (This is our 'pat' answer, because it tends to satisfy people.  I didn't actually know this until after Kai was born, and I'm not absolutely certain that the little boy in the story isn't Kay).
• As one of the billion Jennifers born in 1977, I kind of want my kids to have unique names that are uniquely theirs.
• Kai is present as a name in many cultures around the world, and that's nice.  In some, it means "earth" and I love that.  In others, it means 'keeper of the keys," which I henceforth translated as "keymaster" because it's just more fun that way.
• When I was in labor, I tried to feel the little boy about to be born, and see if he was telling me anything about who he was going to be.  I felt like he'd be a Kai, rather than the other name we had narrowed it down to that week.  When he arrived, he was Kai.
• My baby Kai is going to be my troublemaker, my wild child, my bold free-spirit.  He's already showing that in his chattiness.  I think that this name will suit him well. 

As for his middle name, Austen, either you get it or you don't.  :)

because it's been a long time since my ass has looked like this.

I hesitate to say it because women everywhere may curse my name, but my son will be 11 weeks old tomorrow and today the scale said that I am only one pound over my pre-preggo weight.  Granted, I'm still squishy in various places and I'm not saying that my pre-preggo weight is my ideal weight, but I'm still seeing it as a silver lining to my often grumpy and sleep-deprived and overwhelming days.

Looks like he's going to bust some heads, doesn't he? More here.  Also pics of baby Evelyn Michelle Rettberg's birthday.

Momentous mommy week.  We got the potty down from the attic and put it in the bathroom today.  Far from Quinn being scared of it, he talks about it all the time and even wants to sit on it.  No action yet, but the sitting is a step in the right direction!

This morning, Kai laughed for the first time.  It was wonderful, and even Hobie heard it from the other room.  I'm hoping it wasn't a fluke and we get to hear it much in the coming days.  Then, because we were all laughing at Kai, Quinn recognized that it's really funny to laugh and what does he do?  He laughed and tickled himself so much that he knocked himself over.  Too cute.

Quinn is talking better and better.  This week, he said "bun-ny" instead of just "ba".  And he's still great at entertaining himself.  He plays with the Little People barn and petting zoo almost nonstop, and has a great time making the goat drive the forklift and getting the zebra and "gilaff" to go to sleep in the chicken coop.  He's too funny.  He's also been trying to change the diapers on all the dollies (old school cabbage patch kids).  He's a wonderful little boy, and I have to say that I try to appreciate that even when he's yelling "NOWAY!" 

Kai is holding his head up really well lately.  We're even able (with the swaddling blanket, all of a sudden) to put him down drowsy instead of asleep and we're having some success.  Big success, really.  It's awesome.  And we're still on two wakings a night, but we have cut out the second feeding at 3:30.  If he wakes up at 3:30 for the second time, poor boy gets his diaper changed and gets put back to bed after some rocking.  He's certainly not suffering in the weight gain department, so I'm sure he's not starving, and if we could just get him to sleep through from 12:30's feeding to 6am, our world would become a lot less grumpy.

I love it when they fall asleep in my arms.  Not that Quinn is still little enough to do that anymore, but Kai is and it warms my heart.  Yep, the cockles of it.  ;)

You know you're a parent when somebody yaks all over you then looks you in the eye and gives you a great big smile... and it only makes you love them more.

Quinn has this wonderful way of saying, in his adorable toddler-speak, "How 'bout that one?"  (It actually sounds more like, "Haw ba da wan?"  He's got this great singsongey voice when he says it, and I just love it.  Apparently he picked the phrase up from me, though I certainly didn't consciously teach it to him.  I should video tape it one of these days, so I don't forget it when he's a big aloof teenager.

Why is it that even when I manage to get the kids to bed on time (is there such a thing?!), I still leave the experience every day feeling completely wiped? 

I thought I'd post about what's going on with my little guys now, so I don't forget what it's like to be at this point in my, and their lives.  For that reason alone, I'm sad that I don't find more time to post. 

The hardest thing about my life right now: not having a routine.  Not being able to predict when somebody is going to be asleep or awake or hungry.  I wish I remembered when that happened with Quinn so I could start a countdown or something, but for now the uncertainty is just a sometimes simmering, sometimes boiling source of anxiety in my everyday.

The best thing about my life right now:  Can't name one.  Having Hobie home during the day to play (and help) with the boys.  Hearing Quinn come up with a new word or phrase or sentence, albeit in his toddler language.  Today he said "petting zoo".  Getting a spontaneous Quinn hug, or hearing him calling me - even if I really want him to still be asleep.  It's great to hear him call me, it's so adorable and heartwarming and means that he needs me.  Seeing that wonderful toothless smile from baby Kai.  Nothing like that in the world, says the proud mommy. 

It's been too long, so here, dear Internet, is a picture that you might enjoy.  I think it's FREAKING GORGEOUS.  But then, he does look like Hobie. 



Quinn wanted to sit on the wall like Papa, but the wall was too tall so he had to move all the way down to the other end!

I want out I can't do this i wasn't cut out for this shit.  I spend all my time in a battle of wills with my toddler, yelling at him mostly ineffectually, and on tenterhooks waiting for the baby to wake up so he can scream and I can calm him ineffectually while yelling at my toddler until they're asleep.  Then I have to do all the million other things that are supposed to be a part of daily life.  I'm not convinced that my children are getting anything of value out of this situation, and I don't see the end of it; and then I feel bad to be looking for an end of it because I'm supposed to be enjoying this time because they'll only be this little for a little while (so they tell me).  It's all temporary, there's got to be a light at the end of this tunnel, even though I don't see it.  I'm not enjoying this, and I seem to have forgotten one of the all-important mom rules that when you have a second to go to the bathroom, you TAKE IT.  I'm going.

Mom Rule #10:  Prioritize.

Mom Rule #14:  Everything is temporary, so do your damn best to even especially enjoy the sucky parts.

Mom Rule #35:  Maternity clothes are not just for pregnant girls.

Should you, by some freak chance, get the opportunity to go to the bathroom or (gasp!) take a shower when you have one or more children under the age of two, SEIZE THAT OPPORTUNITY.

For those of you who might be following the mind-boggling baby math, between Monday and Wednesday of this week, I have lost 7 pounds.  Mind boggling.

Approximately three days after giving birth to my second child, I am faced with strange math.  There would seem to be evidence that I have lost approximately 8.5 lbs of actual baby weight, plus, we'll say 3 lbs of extras that immediately go along with it.  So, Mr. Scale, does that mean that my breasts have gained 3.5 lbs?  Because I honestly can't figure out where else it could have come from.  The math?  It doesn't add up.

Would you believe that the baby's due a week from tomorrow and during the week I lost a pound?  I am kerflummoxed.  Apparently, Oreos, chips, and italian sausage are diet food.

I can't decide if he's a little Sith Lord or a Jawa.

I think I'm due in FIVE WEEKS.    We really have to find a name for this baby.

This morning's exchange:

Jen: "...Hobie, how much do you weigh?"
Hobie: "I don't know, about [number that is 15 lbs lighter than the number that just showed up on my sorry pregnant scale]."
[Silence]
[Comprehension]
Hobie:  "Actually, I think that's how much I weighed when I was a lot younger.  Now it's more like [number which is 10 lbs more than number that just showed up on my scale]."

I just love him.

And what have YOU accomplished in the last 100 days?

Okay, I said that I'd update more often.  I'm in the middle of week 33 right now, and sadly it's been a really tough week, pregnancy-wise. 

Early in the week my little EggPowder decided to flip over.  We've discussed it, I believe.  Well this morning I was trying to feel just where the little guy was hanging out, and I was encouraged.  It really felt like he somehow - when I wasn't looking - had flipped himself over again!  I was so excited, I even called Hobie in to reinforce my assessment (this was his job - only reinforcement was allowed, there would be no dissention in the ranks).  Quinn agreed too.  Except now I'm not so sure.  Now I just can't tell what I'm feeling - should the head and the butt really feel so similar when felt through someone else's abdomen?  I think there should be a big sign attached to one or the other.

The other big downer this week was that the pelvic girdle pain (pubic symphysis separation) struck with a huge vengeance.  All of a sudden - wham!  And now I can't walk.  Well, I can hobble.  And it does seem to feel much better after my water aerobics and mild exercise.  But my ugly horrible maternity belt has defective velcro, so I'm going to have to repair it before I can use that, and I've been a little bit moody about this whole thing.  After I'd rested for a good hour the other night, I got up to find that I couldn't walk - serious burning pain.  When Hobie came home, I told him that I was ready.  I know that Baby2 has six more weeks to cook, but frankly I can't figure out how he could possibly get bigger while I stay upright, and I'm done with the sucky pregnancy notbeingabletowalkness.  It's actually overshadowing my terror of what happens after we have a brand new newborn in the house. 

Okay.  Deep breaths.  Now I've gotten that off my chest, I suppose we're going to have to find a real name for the little guy who's dancing up a storm while I type this.  I'm sure he's a total cutie and will be a joy when he's here and we all get to meet him, despite whatever he might be putting his mom through before his actual birth.